I love this guy

He asks me if it feels okay so I tell him for the hundredth time that I hate his stupid ugly voice and then make puking sounds and mime blowing my brains out with a handgun to let him know I’m really serious about maybe wanting to break up with him. He says okay, what about this, is this better, and I’m like oh, yeah, wait, that’s really good.

He buys me cupcakes and shoes and rivers because he has nothing better to do and should probably just murder his body. I laugh maniacally and smush the icing into his nose and throw the Cuban heel against the current. He cries pink tears and asks me why I just did that and I tell him if he asks me that question one more goddamn time—

He knocks on the door as I’m taking a big fat shit on the toilet so I tell him I’m having sex with his brother in here. He asks if I need anything, like protection or mood lighting or snacks, and I say no thanks, MOM! He slips a note under the door with a bunch of heart-dotted i’s and I dryly wipe my ass and don’t flush.

He tries getting me off as an apology because everything has to be about him all of the time. But then it starts to feel good so I tell him if you stop, I’ll fucking kill you, I will. I’m not kidding, I’m not joking around here. He says we’re the best couple he knows. I imagine a gluttonous sturgeon feeding on the rotting leather and cum for one million years.