I'M STILL HERE!

It’s been over two months since the release of my book IT FEELS SO GOOD TO BE A VICTIM. BUT I’M STILL HERE! AND IM STILL FEELIN GOOD! Thank you SO much to everyone for reading and saying kind things and asking good questions. There is no e-book available, and I’m not entirely sure I will ever do that, but if I do, you will be the first to know. BOOBIES.

When the book runs out of stock through the Dream Boy Book Club website, you can also buy through Amazon and BookShop. Or you can try going to your closest corporatey bookstore and asking them to order my book. If you want a signed copy, I can mail one to you: DM me. If you are in New York City and want a signed copy or just want to buy a copy off me: DM me! Let’s just making effing sure you get this book in your hands am I right.

Someone suggested I post excerpts from my book so people can get a better sense of my voice before spending $22 on 298 pages. So that is what this post is. A line or a few from each of the twenty-three short stories. NUMBERS!!! I LOVE YOU!! HAHAHA!!!

1. The Woman

We were watching a reality dating show about anorexic midgets getting paired with non-acting pedophiles, and he put his hand on my thigh and said, “Miranda, I like you. I really do,” and then he kissed me and then we paused the episode and then we had sex.

2. All I Got Was This Poor Gag Reflex

I suppose a stranger is not a symbol of latent malevolence.

3. Scout’s Blessing

Receding pubic bone, labia long gone, and the clitoris remains a mystery. Just emptiness eating into her, bottom-first.

4. Everybody Has A Secret, But Not Everybody Knows It Yet

I look over to her to see if she’s thinking, “Wow, these eggs have the same texture as my vagina,” but she houses them down, seemingly oblivious to this thought.

5. Transcribed Message Of A Flu-Ridden Therapist’s Newest Patient Caught On Her Sony ICD-UX570 Recorder

Gross as in, well, all of its meanings, really. There’s nothing people love more than a dead daughter—it can make being a living son very difficult.

6. Count Three Beats

When I first met him, I wanted to become his whole world, but that didn’t work out, so my next plan was to become the whole world; that way, he’d be forced to see me whether he liked it or not. Everything I say now feels like an extension of this plan.

7. Is It Thursday?

She grabs hold of the metal pole, remembering that you can turn an object into whatever you want, and cradles it.

8. The Procedure

I momentarily fantasized about us doing role-play in bed, me, Pocahontas, him, John Smith, pumping behind me and pulling my long, dark hair while whispering sensual words in my native language. But then I felt bad and stopped thinking that.

9. The Photoshoot

And I wonder what the kink is—where the drive stems from. It’s not being attracted to authority; it’s something bigger and less meaningful than that.

10. Transcribed Message Of An AA Member’s Speech Caught On Her Court-Ordered Parole Officer’s Voice Memo App

You know, I never blamed—I totally get why people kill themselves. It’s one of the most interesting things you could do, especially as an alcoholic.

11. Arguing With Maggots

I worked my way through the crowd, close enough to smell John’s sweets: saliva like a can of paint thinner, soiled pants like a pot of steamed broccoli.

12. An Interview With Gordon Abel Mortimer-Randell The Second

I have interviewed some of the most influential figures of our time, including, but not limited to, Elon Musk, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Drew Weissman, and Sydney Sweeney.

13. My Angel Baby / Click Here For A Picture Of My Pussy

I let him get a coupl’a more pumps in—I know that My Angel Baby is patient. But then I feel almost like a rippin’ feelin in my stomach, like period cramps but so much fuckin’ worse, you feel.

14. The Throat Goat

I lovedddddd her ! She made me feel good about letting guys go backdoor on the first date!, says User6117825714. God, Gardenia did so much.

15. Transcribed Message Of A Mourning Man Talking To His Dear Friend Caught On Nothing Whatsoever

Enough perfect gunshots, and you’ll make yourself a chorus, my friend! I know you don’t like when I get this way, but I cannot take that into account right now.

16. Sadly, Allen

The same name as my gay sixth grade teacher who told me I was advanced for my age. I asked if that meant I was going to skip a grade, and he looked me up and down and said, “No, I’m sorry, I meant your breasts, dear.”

17. The Twins

Perhaps a concubine? Oy, look at this guy, thinking he’s worthy of a concubine! I’ve never done drugs.

18. The Extra

Listen, Letterman, listen to me—these idiots had the Ted Brightly repeatedly inserting himself into a wild pig on national television for one minute and fourteen seconds.

19. What’s In Your Eye Dear

I still feel nothing, worse than nothing, I feel as if I were raping my own body. It feels perverted with no one watching.

20. Transcribed Message Of A Father Talking To His Child Caught On A Forever 21’s Dressing Room CCTV

Show up to school in lipstick, face the bullying. In some ways, that makes you a better man than me—or—well, yeah, you get it.

21. My Boyfriend

He belches, and a shred of regurgitated meat shoots out of his throat and onto the laptop screen. It conveniently lands on the anime girl’s bare vagina.

“Damn, I’m beat. You can walk back to your place, right, babe?”

22. Ms. Krautkremer’s Class

Michael does the only thing he can do in this situation: he goes to the police station to verify his father is the victim, carefully saws off his father’s penis when the cops aren’t looking, and fucks himself with it when he’s back in the safe solitude of his hut.

23. It Feels So Good To Be A Victim

Some stories happen so often that you’re doing the world a disservice by continuing to tell them. I know this. My phone buzzes.

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Sooooooo, basicallyyyyyyy, I hope you buy my book! I hope I make one billion dollars from my book. Keep reaching out!!!!! Thank you Jonathan, thank you Lili, thank you Dream Boy Book Club. I am essentially the luckiest and happiest girl in the world. Thank you. CLICK HERE FOR A PICTURE OF MY PUSSY.